Welcome back, everybody, for another Deep Dive. Today, we are going to be looking at Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. And he's a former FBI hostage negotiator.
Wow. So this is really interesting stuff. And the book is all about how to use these hostage negotiation techniques in everyday life.
Interesting. So whether you're buying a car, or applying for a job, or dealing with your kids, you can actually use these principles to get what you want. I like it.
Yeah. Sounds fascinating. It is.
And one of the things that really stood out to me in the book was the emphasis on active listening. Yeah. So we often think of listening as this kind of passive activity, just sitting there, taking it in.
You're just sort of absorbing. But Voss really frames it as this active strategic tool where you're actually using your listening skills to gather information, to build rapport, and even to gain an edge in the negotiation. I see.
So it's not just about hearing the words. It's about really understanding the other person, their tone of voice, their body language, their emotions. What are they really trying to tell you? Right, because sometimes what they say and what they mean are two different things.
Exactly. And Voss breaks active listening down into these three core components. So the first one is mirroring.
Mirroring. And that's where you basically repeat back the last few words that the person said. Oh, interesting.
And it creates this instant sense of connection, like you're really paying attention. Like you're on the same wavelength? Yeah, exactly. OK.
And then the second component is silence. Ah, Icelandic. And this one's really counterintuitive.
Right. Because we're always taught to fill the silence, to keep the conversation going. Yeah, you don't want those awkward pauses.
But Voss says that silence can actually be really powerful. How so? Because it can make people uncomfortable. Oh, I see.
And when they get uncomfortable, they start talking. And they might reveal more information than they intended to. So you can get them to kind of spill the beans a little.
Right, yeah. Exactly. And then the third component is minimal encouragers.
Minimal encouragers. And these are those little verbal cues. Like, uh-huh, and I see.
Right. And it just shows the other person that you're engaged and you're listening. You're following along.
Yeah. OK. So those are the three components of active listening.
And it's something that you can start doing right now to improve your communication skills. Yeah, that makes sense. But then Voss throws this curveball.
Oh. He says, we should embrace the power of no. The power of no.
That sounds counterintuitive. Yeah, I know, right? We're always told to avoid no at all costs. Especially in a negotiation.
Especially in a negotiation. Yeah. Right.
You want to keep things positive and moving forward. Exactly. But Voss says that no can actually be incredibly liberating.
OK, I'm curious. How so? Well, think about it. How many times have you felt pressured to say yes when you really wanted to say no? All the time.
I think you don't want to disappoint anyone. Exactly. You don't want to rock the boat or whatever.
Yeah, you want to be agreeable. But when someone says no, it can actually give them a sense of control. And it creates a safer space for honest communication.
That's interesting, because they feel like they have the power to say no for not being forced into anything. Right, it takes the pressure off. OK.
And it allows for a more genuine exchange. That makes sense. So instead, seeing no as this roadblock, we can actually use it to our advantage.
OK, I like that. So for example, let's say you're buying a car, and the salesperson gives you a price you're not happy with. OK.
So instead of just saying yes because you feel pressured, you could say something like, that's not going to work for me. That's not going to work for me. Right.
And it sets a clear boundary. It does. And it opens up the negotiation from a place of honesty.
Yeah. And then from there, you can start to steer the conversation more effectively. And that leads us to Voss's concept of calibrated questions.
Calibrated questions. So these are open-ended questions, often starting with how or what, that are designed to get the other person thinking and ultimately to guide them towards solving your problem for you. Solving your problem for you.
It sounds a little bit like manipulation. It does, kind of right. But it's not really about manipulation.
It's about asking the right questions to uncover their needs and their motivations. OK. So for example, instead of directly saying, I need a lower price, you could ask, what would need to happen for this to work within my budget? And that puts the onus on them to come up with solutions while also giving you valuable information about their flexibility.
OK. This is more collaborative. So we're working together to find a solution.
Right. And it all starts with understanding the other person's perspective. I see.
Which brings us to Voss's idea of labeling emotions. Labeling emotions. So this is about recognizing and acknowledging the other person's feelings.
Not necessarily agreeing with them, but simply validating their emotional state. Interesting. So for example, if someone seems frustrated or angry during a negotiation, instead of ignoring those emotions or getting defensive, you could try acknowledging them directly.
So you'd say something like, it seems like you're feeling frustrated. Exactly. OK.
Or it sounds like you're concerned about the potential risks. And by simply labeling their emotions, you can diffuse the negativity and build trust. I see.
Yeah. I mean, have you ever been in a situation where you're upset about something? Oh, yeah. All the time.
And someone just completely dismissed your feelings. Oh, yeah. It makes you feel even worse.
Right. It's like they're invalidating your experience. Exactly.
But when someone acknowledges your emotions, even if they don't agree with you, it can be incredibly disarming. It can. And in a negotiation, it can create a more collaborative atmosphere.
Right. Because it shows that you're at least trying to understand where they're coming from. Exactly.
Yeah. So we've got active listening, the power of no calibrated questions, labeling emotions. It's amazing how these seemingly simple techniques They are simple.
And have such a powerful impact on how we communicate and negotiate. Right. And Voss doesn't stop there.
He takes this concept of empathy a step further with what he calls tactical empathy. Tactical empathy. Oh, OK.
I'm intrigued. Tell me more. I will.
But first, we're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back. So tactical empathy.
Yeah, tactical empathy. It sounds kind of intense. It does, doesn't it? So is this just about being nice to the other person? It's definitely more than just being nice.
It's about really using your understanding of their emotions and their perspective to kind of guide the negotiation towards a mutually beneficial outcome. OK, so it's not about like, you know, manipulating someone's emotions. Right.
It's not about being manipulative. It's about using your understanding of their feelings to create a more collaborative environment. Exactly.
It's about finding a solution that works for both of you. Not about tricking someone into doing something they don't want to do. Right.
And I feel like this tactical empathy thing could be applied in all sorts of situations, not just like high stakes negotiations, right? Absolutely. Like, imagine you're trying to convince your partner to try a new restaurant. OK, yeah.
Instead of just saying, oh, this place has great reviews. We should go. You could, you know, try to understand why they might be hesitant.
Right. Maybe they're just tired of like trying new things. Exactly.
Or maybe they're concerned about the price. Or maybe they had a bad experience at a similar restaurant before. Yeah.
You're not just dismissing their feelings. Right. You're acknowledging their feelings and their concerns, and you're addressing them directly.
Which can make them feel more comfortable. Exactly. And Voss gives some great examples of how this works in high stakes situations like hostage negotiations.
Oh, wow. Where he was able to build rapport with a hostage taker by just acknowledging his feelings of frustration and anger. That's amazing.
So by just like validating the hostage taker's emotions. Yeah. Just by saying, hey, I understand that you're feeling frustrated.
Right. It can de-escalate the situation. Wow.
And create an opening for dialogue. So it all goes back to that active listening. Exactly.
Active listening is key. When you really listen to someone, you're not just hearing their words. You're trying to understand the emotions behind those words.
Right. So we've covered active listening. The power of no calibrated questions, labeling emotions tactical empathy.
Right. We've got a whole toolkit here. It's incredible how these seemingly simple techniques can have such a profound impact.
They really can. And Voss takes these principles even further. OK, here we go.
He introduces this concept of bending reality. Bending reality. Yeah.
OK, now it sounds like we're getting into some mind control stuff. Yeah. It does sound a little bit like that.
But it's really about understanding how our perceptions shape our reality. Especially in negotiations. Especially in negotiations.
Because so much of negotiation is about perception. Right. If you can influence how the other person perceives the situation.
You can influence the outcome. Exactly. So it's not about like lying or deceiving people.
No, no. It's about framing the situation in a way that influences their perception of the deal. OK, so give me an example.
Sure. So Voss talks about a technique called anchoring. Anchoring.
Where you set an extreme initial offer to influence subsequent negotiations. So like if you're selling a car, you might start by asking for a price that's way higher than you actually expect to get. Exactly.
Because it sets an anchor in the buyer's mind. Right. So that your actual asking price seems more reasonable.
Exactly. And it's not just about numbers. You can also use framing to present information in a way that highlights certain aspects over others.
OK, so it's about understanding the psychology of perception. Yeah. And using that knowledge to your advantage.
Right. But it's important to note that these techniques should be used ethically. Right.
It's not about manipulating people into making bad decisions. It's about understanding how our minds work and using that knowledge to create win-win situations. So there's a fine line there.
There is a fine line between using these techniques ethically and crossing over into manipulation. So how do we make sure we're staying on the right side of that line? Well, Voss talks about that in the book. He says that these techniques should never be used to deceive or coerce someone into doing something that's not in their best interest.
Right. It's about finding solutions that work for everyone involved. Exactly.
And it's also about being aware of your own biases and perceptions. We all have our own filters that influence how we see the world. And it's important to be mindful of those filters when we're negotiating.
This is all so fascinating. It's like we're getting this crash course in human psychology. It is fascinating.
And how it all plays out in these interactions. But let's get down to brass tacks here. Voss talks about this thing called the Ackerman model.
The Ackerman model. Yes. Is that like some secret formula for winning every negotiation? It's not a magic formula, but it is a powerful framework for structuring your negotiation.
OK, so it's a step-by-step system. It is. It incorporates many of the psychological principles we've been talking about, like anchoring and labeling emotions and calibrated questions.
OK, I'm ready. Walk me through it. What are the steps? OK.
So the first step is to set your target price. The absolute best outcome you can imagine for this negotiation. OK, so let's say I'm trying to sell something.
And my ideal price is $100. OK, $100 is your target. Got it.
What's next? Then you're going to start your offer significantly lower, at 65% of your target price. So I'm going to start at $65. Yep, that's your opening offer.
Wow, that seems really low. Wouldn't that make the buyer think I'm desperate? Not necessarily. Remember, this is just the opening offer.
It's setting the stage for the rest of the negotiation. And by starting lower than expected, you're creating room for movement and giving yourself leverage. OK, so I start low.
And then what? Then you calculate three raises of decreasing increments. So you might offer 85% of your target price next, then 95%, and finally your full 100% target price. So in this case, that would be $85, then $95, and then finally my desired $100.
Exactly. But wouldn't the buyer just jump at that first offer of $65? Maybe. Maybe not.
Here's where those calibrated questions and labeling emotions come in. OK. When the buyer counters, you can say something like, it seems like you're really interested in this, but that price is a little too low for me.
What would you need to see to make this work? So I'm acknowledging their interests, but also standing firm on my price. Exactly. And by asking that question, I'm getting them to think about how they can meet my need.
Exactly, you're guiding the conversation. You're not just reacting to their offers. Right.
And throughout this process, you're using precise non-round numbers. What do you mean? So instead of saying, OK, I'll take $80, you might say $83.50 is the best I can do right now. Well, that's a good tip.
It makes it seem like you've put more thought into it. So I'm using the Ackerman model, incorporating calibrated questions and labeling emotions. What else should I keep in mind as I go through these steps? Well, it's important to remember that this is a framework, not a rigid set of rules.
Right. You need to be flexible and adapt to the specific situation. OK, good point.
And when you get to your final offer, that 100% of your target price, consider throwing in a non-monetary item to sweeten the deal. Oh, that's a good idea. So if I'm selling that item for $100, maybe I throw in free shipping or a bonus item.
Exactly, it makes the buyer feel like they're getting more value for their money. And it shows that you're willing to be flexible. Exactly.
This Ackerman model is really impressive. It combines psychological tactics with a structured approach. It does.
It gives us a clear roadmap for navigating negotiations. It's a powerful tool. But there's one more concept we haven't touched on yet.
Black swans. Ah, yes, black swans. Those seem so mysterious and unpredictable.
They are. They're those unknown unknowns. The pieces of information that you don't know you don't know.
Exactly. They can completely change the game in a negotiation. But how can you possibly prepare for something you don't even know exists? That's the challenge, right? It's not about predicting the unpredictable.
OK. It's about being aware of the possibility of these black swans and having strategies in place to uncover them. OK, so what are some of those strategies? How can we increase our chances of encountering these elusive black swans? Well, one thing Voss emphasizes is the importance of face-to-face interaction whenever possible, because there's so much information conveyed through nonverbal cues.
Right. You can't pick up on those through email or phone calls. Exactly.
It's about reading between the lines, observing body language, listening for those moments where their words don't quite match their tone or expressions. So we're becoming detectives. Kind of.
You're looking for those subtle clues that might reveal something deeper about their motivations or their situation. Oh my god. And Voss also suggests paying attention to what he calls unguarded moments.
Unguarded moments. Those times when people let their guard down and reveal more than they intended. So like maybe a casual comment after the meeting is officially over.
Exactly. Or a seemingly irrelevant story that actually holds a key piece of information. It's about being observant.
Yes. Picking up on those subtle cues that might otherwise go unnoticed. Exactly.
And finally, Voss encourages us to be on the lookout for information that just doesn't make sense. It could be a discrepancy in their numbers, a contradiction in their story, a sudden change in their behavior. These inconsistencies can be red flags.
Signaling that something else is going on. Exactly. Signaling the presence of a hidden factor, a black swan that's influencing their decisions.
So it's about trusting our gut, paying attention to those nagging feelings that something isn't quite right. Exactly. This whole concept of black swans is fascinating.
It really is. It has a whole new layer of complexity and intrigue to the world of negotiation. It does.
And it highlights the importance of being adaptable and flexible in our approach. Right. Because you never know what unexpected information might come to light.
Exactly. So you need to be able to adjust your strategy on the fly. This deep dive has been incredible.
We've covered so much ground from active listening to tactical empathy to the Ackerman model and black swans. It's been a whirlwind tour of negotiation tactics. I feel like I'm starting to see the world through a whole new lens, a lens that's attuned to the subtle dynamics of human interaction.
That's the goal, to make you more aware of these dynamics so you can navigate them more effectively. It's pretty amazing how much we can learn from someone like Chris Voss, who's dealt with these incredibly high pressure situations. Yeah, he's been in the trenches.
But what's so valuable about Never Split the Difference is that it's not just for hostage negotiators or CEOs. Right. These principles can be applied to any negotiation, big or small.
Yeah, exactly. Think about it. You're negotiating every day, whether you realize it or not.
That's true. You negotiated with your kids about bedtime, with your partner about weekend plans, with your boss about a project deadline. Yeah, you're always negotiating in some way.
So these principles can help you navigate those everyday interactions more effectively. Right, and it all starts with awareness. Once you start paying attention to these dynamics, the subtle cues, the unspoken emotions, the power of language, you'll see them everywhere.
Yeah, and like anything else, the more you practice these techniques, the more natural they'll become. Exactly. It's like building a muscle.
Right, and that confidence can make a huge difference in how you approach any negotiation. Absolutely. And what's so empowering about Voss's approach is that it's not about manipulation or trickery.
It's about understanding human psychology and using that knowledge to build stronger relationships, resolve conflicts, and achieve better outcomes for everyone involved. That's a great point. So it's not about getting one over on someone.
Right, it's not a game. It's about finding solutions that benefit both parties. Exactly.
And it seems like that starts with a genuine desire to understand the other person's perspective. Absolutely, putting yourself in their shoes, trying to see the world through their eyes, and understanding their motivations and concerns. Yeah, that's a great way to put it.
When you can do that, you can start to build trust and create a more collaborative atmosphere. Well, this has been an incredible deep dive. It has.
I feel like we've just scratched the surface of what's possible. We have. There's so much more to explore.
When we approach negotiations with this level of awareness and intention. And the best part is, the learning doesn't stop here. Right.
The real learning happens when you start to apply these principles in your own life. Yeah, get out there and experiment. Exactly.
Pay attention to how people communicate. Experiment with different techniques. And see what works for you.
And to all our listeners, we encourage you to pick up a copy of Never Split the Difference. It's a great book. And dive into this fascinating world of negotiation.
You won't regret it. It's a book that can truly change the way you interact with the world. It really can.
Well, thank you for joining us for this deep dive into the art of negotiation. It's been a pleasure. And remember, the power to persuade lies within each of us.
Until next time, keep diving deep.
