Welcome back to Book Bites, where we like to take those big ideas and break them down into smaller pieces you can actually use. Bite-sized learning. Yeah, exactly.
I like it. So today, we're cracking open How to Begin by Michael Bungay-Stanier. Oh, very cool.
And you probably know him as the author of The Coaching Habit. A big hit. Huge.
Yeah. And it's just been such a game changer for people in the coaching world. Absolutely.
It's had a huge impact. And so now, he's kind of tackling this like almost universal struggle, which is getting started on those goals that really matter. Right.
The goals that could really change your life. Yeah, for sure. And he calls these worthy goals.
And he offers a really insightful framework for figuring out what yours actually is. And it's not just like another thing to do. Right.
It's something bigger. Yeah. Much bigger.
Yeah. So let's talk about this worthy goal concept. Yeah, let's get into it.
I'm actually intrigued by this whole breakdown of thrilling, important, and daunting. It's not just about picking something that's challenging. Right.
It needs to resonate on like a much deeper level. Yes. Yeah.
So tell me more about that. Yeah. So you have to be excited about it, right? Like it needs to be something that you're like, oh, I can't wait to get started on that.
Yeah. Like that's that thrilling piece. Okay.
And then there's important, meaning it's not just about you. Yeah. So it's not just personal gain.
It could be about your family, your community, or even something much larger, like on a global scale. And then daunting. Well, that's where it comes in, where it's like you need to push yourself outside of your comfort zone.
Yeah. Aim for something that you might be a little scared of at first. It's not a worthy goal if it doesn't stretch you at least a little bit.
Yeah. Exactly. You got to feel that stretch.
I also like that he encourages you to think about different spheres where this goal might live. Mm-hmm. You know, whether it's work or relationships or personal growth and so on.
And then the scale, you know, like does it impact just you, a small group or something much larger? Yeah. Absolutely. So it really helps narrow down what matters most to you when you think about all those different elements.
It's a really helpful framework for clarifying what you should actually be spending your time on. And then he even adds another dimension to it, which is this idea of the class of a goal. Okay.
So are you trying to complete a specific project, become a certain kind of person, or shift a recurring pattern in your life? Right. And I think those are really distinct in a way I hadn't thought about before. Each of those is going to need a slightly different approach.
And so that categorization can really help you get clear on what you're going after. So let's say you've identified this worthy goal that checks all those boxes. Okay.
It's thrilling. It's important. It's daunting.
It's the right sphere. It's the right scale. It's the right class.
Now for a lot of us, we've probably tried to do something like this before. Right. And maybe even stumbled a few times.
And he actually calls these full starts. And I love how he reframes that. Yeah.
So instead of seeing them as failures, he encourages you to look at them as valuable data points. Yeah. So rather than getting discouraged, you can ask yourself, okay, well, what did I learn from that experience? What could I do differently this time? It's a much more empowering way to approach setbacks.
It's a brilliant shift in perspective, right? Yeah, it is. Because it's not about beating yourself up for past mistakes, but about extracting some wisdom from those experiences to fuel what you're doing now. But even with the best intentions, we all know how easy it is to get sidetracked.
Yeah. You know, life throws those curveballs or sometimes we just get in our own way. Happens all the time.
And so that's where he brings in this idea of mosquitoes. Okay. So these are those annoying little actions or inactions that suck the energy and focus out of what you're trying to do.
So it could be something as simple as, you know, spending hours scrolling through social media when you know you should be working on your goal. Right. Or it could be avoiding a crucial conversation that you need to have.
I think we've all done that. Yeah. It's like those little things that nibble away your time and energy and then all of a sudden you're like, where did the day go? And I like that he doesn't just label them, but he actually encourages you to name them.
Yeah. Really call them out. It helps bring them into the light.
Right. You're kind of shining a spotlight on them and saying, I see what you're doing. Yeah.
And I'm not going to let you control me. But even when we're aware of those mosquitoes, there's still this pull. Right.
Toward the familiar. Like the gravitational force of our comfort zone. Yeah.
And that's where Stanyear brings in this whole concept of prizes and punishments. Okay. Which is really interesting.
It's like he wants you to think about what you're getting by staying put versus what you might lose by actually going after that worthy goal. This is such a good point because we always talk about the fear of failure. Right.
But like, what about the fear of success? Oh, yeah. Or just that like comfort that we get from staying in those routines, even if they're not really serving us anymore. Exactly.
And those are the prizes he's talking about, right? Exactly. It's not always about, you know, laziness or lack of motivation. Sometimes it's about saying, hey, you know what? There are some benefits to just keeping things the way they are.
Yeah. Like maybe it's a sense of security or fear of the unknown. Right.
Or even like worrying that if you do succeed, it might mess things up, you know, in your relationships or your responsibilities. So how do we use this prizes and punishments thing to actually like make progress? Yeah. Because it feels a little daunting to weigh those against each other.
Yeah. Well, he suggests a pretty simple exercise. OK.
Just make two lists. And on one side, write down all the prizes that you're getting by staying where you are. OK.
OK. All the benefits you're getting by not going after your goal. OK.
And then on the other side, list those punishments. OK. Those missed opportunities, the unrealized potential.
Yeah. Even the regret you might feel later on if you don't take action. I could see how that would really clarify things.
Yeah. It's not about judging yourself for enjoying the prizes. Right.
It's more about getting a clear picture of what you might be sacrificing by holding onto them. Exactly. But let's say we've done that work.
We've weighed the prizes and the punishments and we're actually feeling committed to our worthy goal. OK. Then it's that feeling of like, where do I even begin? Right.
It can feel so overwhelming. Yeah. And that's where Stanier's emphasis on those small steps comes in.
He says we don't have to climb the whole mountain at once. Right. Just break it down into smaller pieces and focus on taking just one step at a time.
And he offers three specific approaches. He does. To get started, history, experiment, and practice.
Yes. Can you walk me through those? Sure. So history encourages you to look back at your past successes.
Not to dwell on them, but to just remind yourself that you have accomplished challenging things. In the past, you know, think about times you've overcome obstacles or maybe achieved something you thought was impossible or just pushed yourself beyond your limits. Right.
It's a good reminder that you've done hard things before. It's such a powerful reminder because it's so easy to forget about all that evidence we have. Yeah.
It's so easy to forget we're capable of so much. It's easy to get caught up in your doubts. Exactly.
And forget what you're actually capable of. I love that it's not just believe in yourself, but it's like, remember what you're capable of. Exactly.
Tap into those past victories to fuel your current efforts. And then there's experiment, which is all about approaching your goal with a sense of curiosity and exploration. Okay.
So, you know, design small, low-risk tests to gather information and learn as you go. It takes the pressure off. Right.
Like, you're not expecting to get it perfect. You're just gathering data. You're just experimenting.
Exactly. And allowing yourself to adjust course if you need to. It reminds me of that scientific method.
Oh, yeah. Like, form a hypothesis. Right.
Test it out. See what happens. And then refine it.
Exactly. And then there's practice, which I think ties in really nicely with the experiment idea. Yeah.
It emphasizes consistent effort and a willingness to refine your approach as you get feedback. Right. So, you're not aiming for a flawless execution.
You don't. It's about the process of learning as you go. It's all about learning.
And adapting as you go. Yeah. Which I think actually ties in really well with his this, not that list.
Yes. Can you remind us how that works? Yeah. So, the this, not that list is all about capturing those subtle but powerful differences between when you're at your best and when you're kind of off your game.
Okay. So, you think about those qualities or behaviors that represent your optimal state, your this, and then you contrast them with the opposite. You're not that.
So, for example, if my this is focused and productive, then my not that might be distracted and scattered. If my this is like courageous and decisive, my not that might be fearful and hesitant. Yeah.
It's about identifying those shifts in energy and mindset that really make a difference in how you show up. It's like having a compass to reorient yourself- It is. ... when you feel a little lost or off track.
Yeah, because it's so easy to get swept away- Yes. ... by the demands of the day. Totally.
So, that list helps you come back to center. Right. And make those choices that align with your worthy goal.
Exactly. Okay. So, we've talked about all these internal strategies for staying focused and motivated.
Right. But he also talks about the importance of having the right people in your corner. He actually even suggests that you might need to distance yourself from people who drain your energy.
Oh, wow. Or discourage your growth. That's tough.
It can be, but sometimes it's necessary. Right. And then there's the idea of building your support band.
Okay. So, that's a group of people who can offer you different types of support and encouragement. And he has five archetypes.
He does. The warrior, the healer lover, the teacher magician, the visionary ruler, and the trickster. Yes.
And each of those roles brings something different to the table. Yeah. So, it's about being intentional about those relationships.
We might need the warrior's fierce loyalty when we're facing a challenge, or the healer lover's gentle compassion when we're feeling discouraged. Exactly. The teacher magician can offer those insights and new perspectives.
The visionary ruler pushes us to think bigger, and then the trickster keeps things light. Right. Helps you not take yourself too seriously.
So, it's recognizing that we don't have to do it alone. You don't have to. And that having that diverse support system can make a huge difference.
It can. And I think what's so powerful about Stanyear's approach is that he acknowledges that going after a worthy goal, it's not always going to be easy. It's not.
It takes effort and commitment. Yeah. And a willingness to really deal with the challenges that come up.
Yeah. And he actually uses this metaphor of wrestling with the angel. Oh, yeah.
I love that one. To describe this process. And it's so good.
That it's about embracing the struggle, knowing that it's through those challenges that we actually grow the most. It's so true. It really is.
And I think one of the things that he does really well is give you these tools and strategies to actually put these ideas into practice. Yeah. So, one of the things that really stood out to me was, you know those mosquitoes we talked about earlier? Yeah.
Yeah. It's not just enough to say, oh, yeah, I see your mosquito. Right.
You know? Like, swat it away. Right. Like... Yeah.
We have to get curious about why those things have such a strong pull on us. So, instead of trying to just like power through those distractions, we need to dig a little deeper and be like, why am I on social media right now? Totally. Is it FOMO? Is it a need for connection? Or is it because you're avoiding something else? Yeah.
You know? So, it's about really understanding that underlying need that the mosquito is fulfilling even if it's not really serving us. Right. In the long run.
So, it's like you're finding healthier ways to actually meet those needs. Oh, yeah. Like, instead of endlessly scrolling, you're like, okay, I'm going to go have coffee with a friend.
Yeah. Or join a community group or something. That aligns with what you're actually interested in.
Totally. Yeah. And I thought another one of those really simple but powerful tools was that this not that list.
Oh, yeah. It's like a constant reminder of what our best selves look and feel like. It is.
It's about getting really specific. Yeah. And noticing those subtle shifts that make a difference in how we show up.
Right. Like, instead of just being more productive, maybe this is like slow state focus. Right.
Or multitasking mayhem. Exactly. Yeah.
It's about capturing those little nuances, those distinctions that can really change everything. And it's not about beating yourself up for the not that moments. It's about having that clear path back to this.
So, we've talked about the mosquitoes. We've talked about the this not that list. What about this idea of support? Yes.
So, Stanyear is really big on building that support band. Those people that can really offer you different types of encouragement and guidance. Yeah.
And again, sometimes it means stepping away from people who drain you. It's tough. It is.
But sometimes it's necessary. It is. And that's where building that intentional support band comes in.
And remembering those archetypes. The warrior, the healer lover, the teacher magician, the visionary ruler. And the trickster.
Yeah. Each one brings something different. They do.
You know? So, we might need the warrior to be like, yeah, you got this one. We're doubting ourselves. Or the healer lover to be like, it's okay.
You know, to just kind of give us a hug. Yeah. Or to offer new perspectives.
Right. Or push us to think bigger. And the trickster to just lighten things up.
It's recognizing that we don't have to do it alone. You don't. And that having that diverse support system.
Right. Can make such a difference. It can.
And I think, you know, it speaks to a core message of the book. Yeah. Which is like, going after a worthy goal isn't always going to be easy.
Right. But the journey itself is so transformative. Yeah.
And that's where the wrestling with the angel metaphor comes in. Yeah. It's about embracing that struggle.
Yeah. Knowing that that's where the growth comes from. That's the paradox though, isn't it? It is.
Like we want comfort and ease. We do. But it's in those moments of friction that we discover what we're really made of.
And that growth isn't a one-time thing. Nope. It's a process.
It's ongoing. Yeah. He talks about you plus those little incremental improvements and you 2.0. Those big leaps.
Yeah. Those big transformative changes. So as we wrap up our conversation about how to begin.
Yeah. What are some things you hope listeners take away from this? I hope they feel empowered to find those worthy goals. Yeah.
The things that really light them up. The things that matter. And I hope they feel like they have the tools now.
Yeah. To go after those goals. Absolutely.
And remember, it's not about being perfect. It's about making progress. It's about the journey.
Embrace the wrestle. Yes. And trust the process.
I love that. So if you're ready to start creating a life that really matters, we highly recommend checking out How to Begin for yourself. It's a great book.
It really is. Great advice. And if you enjoyed this episode of Book Bites, be sure to subscribe and leave us a five-star review.
Yes, please do. It really helps other curious minds just like yours find the show and join in on the conversation. And until next time, happy reading.
Happy reading.
